How does one heal and let go?

Taken from a piece I wrote on Feb. 5, 2011

How does one heal and let go?

During my path to self-discovery I have been revisiting my days of Buddhist study and meditation. Unfortunately, the country I currently live in has zero options for Buddhist centers or guided meditation options (wait, sorry, I take that back. There is one guided meditation option, but it is a 10 day retreat, which is impossible for anyone with any type of life to attend. Having a 5 month old who is EBF completely rules me out of that one). What? Did someone say 99.99% Catholic society? No space for chanting or self-discovery and enlightenment through meditation here. Well there is, but only because it’s in style, not because of religious purposes, lifestyle, or beliefs.

Okay, enough sarcasm. My point is, I have been revisiting Buddhist concepts in order to help me “cope” with my husband’s decision to be a total dick, and it seems to be helping.
I have come to the conclusion that I have a loveless relationship (whatever the status may be) with the person who holds the label of “my husband”. I look back on things that have happened since we arrived, and in the more recent past, and I realize that something wasn’t right and I was just overlooking it.

Sometimes, I think, we become so accustomed to what our life has “become” and don’t analyze what it actually consists of. We cling to what we know, rather than realizing that we are living in misery because of what we are clinging to, and it is not how life should be. Because of attachment we do not move on from a a negative situation.

I have started meditating on impermanence and the idea that attachment to things (or people) lead to pain and suffering. This has helped me a lot with coming to the conclusion that it would be okay if my husband and I no longer continue our marriage. Our lives will forever be connected through our daughter, but that doesn’t mean our relationship has to remain the same. As life evolves, so do people and relationships. Not everything is meant to last. I think my relationship is one of those things.
It is okay to let go. It is okay for life to change. It is okay to move on.

I will be wonderful. No, I AM wonderful.
I will be okay. No, I will be GREAT.
I AM GREAT.

I Am

Taken from a piece I wrote on Jan. 25, 2011

I Am

28 years old
a mother
from the United States
a brown-haired girl who has always wanted to be blond
blue eyed
average… of average
     height
     weight
     intelligence
     personality
a Sagittarius
bilingual
weak in many aspects
but strong in others
a follower, more than a leader
sad (at the moment)
happy (most of the time)
musical
a world traveler
a lover of cultures and languages
afraid of many things
someone who likes to be in control
obsessed with food, my weight, and dieting
lost… but hoping, not for someone to find me, but for me to find myself

Tummo

Tummo is a Tibetan word meaning fierce [woman] or inner fire. 

I didn't know this word before today. I'm sure not many of you did either.

I was in search of a word that would help me on my current life journey, and this specific word, these five letters, stuck out, called my name (figuratively, of course), and will act as my mantra as I redevelop my life.

Fierce woman.
I am.
Inner fire.
I seek.

Tummo.