This seems to be something that comes with life. A part of it, perhaps.
Is how I feel at the moment. Never knowing if my decisions are correct, if I am doing what I should, acting as expected.
Is it for a reason? Or am I uselessly struggling?
We seem to have the same arguments over and over again.
Me, nagging nagging nagging about inappropriate relationships with women.
Him, still seemingly living in secret, never truly wanting to reveal any truths about his actions.
Me, living in suspicion of his every move online.
Him, tiring of my suspicions.
We argue more and more and the divide in our values grows greater.
You believe in things that I don't.
I believe in things you cannot find rationale in.
We let our differences and our lack of trust get under our skin. Separate us. Greaten the divide rather than bridge it.
What is a marriage without trust?
What is a marriage without commitment?
What is a marriage without compromise?
What is a marriage without kind words, compassion, and empathy?
We fight about me not speaking my mind. We fight when I actually speak my mind because you didn't like how I did it or what I had to say. We fight about how to raise our daughter. We fight because I don't have opinions about how to raise our daughter. We fight because it's too cold. We fight about how to spend our money... We fight.
I resent our fights. You think our fights are productive, when in reality, they never are, because you always want me to be the one who changes and see no flaws in your own ways.
How is this balance? How is this compromise?
How is this a life anyone would want to live?
How do you know when things can no longer be fixed?
How do you know when to throw in the towel and call it quits?
I am struggling. I am lost.