Meditation is a process

Taken from a piece I wrote on Mar. 3, 2011

Meditation is a process

I am from the United States. We are are country with a culture of NOW NOW NOW! I want that car now, so there is financing with almost no money down. I want that house that I can’t afford, so there are horrible home loans that crash the economy. I am sick and want to be well now, so there are drugs which “help” you without you ever having to take the time to help yourself.

I am in one of those situations now where I feel like a total American. I am working with a psychologist who does a healing process called Ho’oponopono. I think so far I have called it “this meditation shit” and said something along the lines of “I don’t see how this will actually help”. Yes, very Western of me, right?

Impatience. I would say this is one of the words that could be easily used to describe me.
All meditation is a process. I do recognize that. However, when you’re in the mental state I’ve been in for the last couple of months, spending time focusing on a candle flame or imaging cleansing your ancestors to find forgiveness for yourself all seems a bit far fetched. I want to feel better, I want this horrible feeling to go away, I want my problems to disappear, and I want it all to happen NOW!!!
But, I’ve been sucking it up. I realize that I do have an issue (as much as the cheating bastard does), in that I can’t let things go, I beat problems to death, I tend to focus on the problem rather than the solution, and I like to know everything about everyone. So, I am working on myself. Fuck my relationship with my husband, fuck my relationship with my in-laws, fuck my responsibility to my businesses. The only people I need to worry about right now are myself and my daughter (in that order). Healing, resolving my own personal issues, then making future decisions. All without the help of chemical substances (minus a half glass of wine several nights per week).

I do think Ho’oponopono is a bit of a hype if you ask me. The mantra is “Father I love you I am sorry please forgive me thank you”. Supposedly we are taking responsibility for our actions which caused the negative actions of others toward us. Okay, yes, I can agree to that to some extent. I do something that you don’t like, it upsets you, then you do something stupid… They say it is used a lot for addicts, where the parents recreate the addiction cycle by not believing that their children will ever stop using drugs. I suppose that my husband could be looked at as an addict and that me continuously thinking and treating him as though he is not trustworthy and a cheater would drive him further in to that cycle. But my though here is, “but he IS a cheater and a liar! This has been proven!” Again, very Western of me, right?

Rather than forgiveness and apologies for believing that my husband is a cheater, I would like to see him suffer the consequences for his actions and feel as horrible as I do. How’s that for a nice person? *sigh*

I found an Australian website that offers free recordings of guide meditations, so I have been using that instead. I think it will be a better choice for me than Ho’oponopono because I don’t have to apologize to my husband in my meditations. Now, don’t get me wrong. I know I’m not 100% guilt free in all of this, but at this point in time I just can’t bring myself to picture him mentally and tell him I”m sorry. That just seems a bit far fetched right now. I suppose, as time goes on, and my process of meditation progresses, I might be able to look at him and apologize for my role in all of this. For now, I will picture a candle flame in my heart, pushing out all of the dark, negative emotions I have, and try to heal myself a bit.