Mediocre...
A strong word.
A word that can define someone.
Define their life.
It signals an average individual. Someone who will live their life fairly unaccomplished. Having touched the few individuals around them, but leaving a minimal mark outside of that realm.
I fear being mediocre, and thus strive not to be.
Yet, at the same time I fear that I am, actually, mediocre.
I am average at most everything I attempt.
I am not a natural at everything I try, like some.
I must work for what I want, yet I find myself blocked by the struggle of becoming great.
My fear of being mediocre keeps me from trying (ironic, right?).
I have a desire to write, but I am an average writer.
I have a desire to teach, but I am an average teacher.
I have a desire to run a business, but I am average at that as well.
I am a mother, and am a fairly average one.
I lack passion, pizzazz... I am lackluster in my life.
Unsure about why I am lacking, I am, for the time being, stuck in a bewildered state about my inability to move past my own mediocrity to achieve greatness....
Monday, October 17, 2011
Thursday, October 6, 2011
Parallel lives
It baffles me, how easy it is to pick up, move, and feel as if nothing has changed; yet everything has changed.
People I have known all my life, distant physically, yet never far away.
How we miss out on life events of those we love, are saddened by that loss, but seem to accept that loss for personal gains.
I am a wanderer. In and out of the lives of those who matter most to me. Always seeking the next joyride.
At times I am ambivalent.
At times I relish in my independent successes.
At times the gap causes me to silently suffer.
At times the grass is greener and I wish for the have nots in my life.
This emotional hurdle can be rigorous to jump over; to keep running the race.
But what is a wanderer to do?
We are doomed to seesaw between worlds. Between loves.
Leading parallel lives in alternate universes on the same planet.
People I have known all my life, distant physically, yet never far away.
How we miss out on life events of those we love, are saddened by that loss, but seem to accept that loss for personal gains.
I am a wanderer. In and out of the lives of those who matter most to me. Always seeking the next joyride.
At times I am ambivalent.
At times I relish in my independent successes.
At times the gap causes me to silently suffer.
At times the grass is greener and I wish for the have nots in my life.
This emotional hurdle can be rigorous to jump over; to keep running the race.
But what is a wanderer to do?
We are doomed to seesaw between worlds. Between loves.
Leading parallel lives in alternate universes on the same planet.
Thursday, July 14, 2011
Positive Choices
On our way home today we drove by a high school reader board that read "congrats class of 2011, make positive choices".
I found this selection of works to be simple, very subjective, and yet, poignant. It made me reflect on the choices I've made since high school and think about how many of them have been positive. I know, the term positive is a very subject term and can be taken in many ways: for whom were my choices positive; was the choice positive even if the outcomes were negative but I learned a lesson; blah blah blah etc etc. You get the point.
How many of us can make positive decisions all of the time? If our answer was 0 percent, then you are correct! Also, a decision I view as positive may seem negative to you, or in hindsight, may also seem negative to me...
Each of our lives is nothing more than a series of microsecond decisions and repercussions from those decisions. I choose to back up and let some kid cross the road and thus roll in to the car behind me (yes, true story, and my only accident in 12 years of driving). Overall, I feel I have made good decisions during my time here in this world. I think about the effects my actions will have on others prior to acting (many times to the point of fault), and work with the information at hand to make the most educated decision possible for myself every minute of every day. I am sure not everyone is as insanely analytic about their personal lives as I am, but I am sure that you all have your own unconscious personal decision-making process.
How many decisions do you make every day and where might you be if you had made a different choice? Was your decision a positive one? Would your other decision have been negative since the decision you made was positive? It's a bit like those Choose Your Own Adventure books from when I was a kid, but this is real life, people!
So, back to what instigated this conversation, the highs school reader board. Rather than encouraging people to make positive decisions, or even worse, to make "good" decision, how about encouraging people to make the best decisions they can for themselves at the moment they are making the decision?
I guess that would be tough to fit on a reader board though...
I found this selection of works to be simple, very subjective, and yet, poignant. It made me reflect on the choices I've made since high school and think about how many of them have been positive. I know, the term positive is a very subject term and can be taken in many ways: for whom were my choices positive; was the choice positive even if the outcomes were negative but I learned a lesson; blah blah blah etc etc. You get the point.
How many of us can make positive decisions all of the time? If our answer was 0 percent, then you are correct! Also, a decision I view as positive may seem negative to you, or in hindsight, may also seem negative to me...
Each of our lives is nothing more than a series of microsecond decisions and repercussions from those decisions. I choose to back up and let some kid cross the road and thus roll in to the car behind me (yes, true story, and my only accident in 12 years of driving). Overall, I feel I have made good decisions during my time here in this world. I think about the effects my actions will have on others prior to acting (many times to the point of fault), and work with the information at hand to make the most educated decision possible for myself every minute of every day. I am sure not everyone is as insanely analytic about their personal lives as I am, but I am sure that you all have your own unconscious personal decision-making process.
How many decisions do you make every day and where might you be if you had made a different choice? Was your decision a positive one? Would your other decision have been negative since the decision you made was positive? It's a bit like those Choose Your Own Adventure books from when I was a kid, but this is real life, people!
So, back to what instigated this conversation, the highs school reader board. Rather than encouraging people to make positive decisions, or even worse, to make "good" decision, how about encouraging people to make the best decisions they can for themselves at the moment they are making the decision?
I guess that would be tough to fit on a reader board though...
Tuesday, May 10, 2011
True Love
No one else will ever know the strength of my love for you.
After all, you're the only one who knows what my heart sounds like from the inside.
Today's Inspirations
We people of the world need to find ways to get to know one another - for then we will recognize that our likenesses are so much grater than our differences, however great our differences may seem. Every cell, every human being, is of equal importance and has work to do in this world - Peace Pilgrim
Thursday, April 21, 2011
Alone?
I am surrounded by many.
Yet feel alone.
It's an ironic feeling.
Being in a room filled with others, yet, emotionally isolated.
Love, friendship, companionship - much of it comes from inside rather than the outside.
Internal, not external.
We have to love ourselves before others will love us.
We have to be our own friend before others will befriend us.
We have to feel togetherness, even if we are physically isolated.
Then, and only then, will we find our lifelong companion.
Our self.
And then, and only then, will we never be alone.
Yet feel alone.
It's an ironic feeling.
Being in a room filled with others, yet, emotionally isolated.
Love, friendship, companionship - much of it comes from inside rather than the outside.
Internal, not external.
We have to love ourselves before others will love us.
We have to be our own friend before others will befriend us.
We have to feel togetherness, even if we are physically isolated.
Then, and only then, will we find our lifelong companion.
Our self.
And then, and only then, will we never be alone.
Wednesday, April 20, 2011
A letter to the perpetrator
From a piece I wrote on Apr. 13, 2011
What you have done to me, how you’ve hurt me, is beyond your comprehension. You will never understand how I feel. You will never be able to empathize with me or feel compassion for me.
The lies. The deceit. The disrespect.
You made me feel like it was all in my head. Like I was a depressed and crazy person.
I felt as if something was wrong with me and that I really had drug our marriage down because of my problems.
You made me feel like it was all my fault.
You made me feel unworthy. You made me feel old. You made me feel ugly.
You made me hate myself. Hate my life.
You picked at my worst characteristics and threw them in my face to make me feel like this whole situation was because I wasn’t ______ enough (insert whatever word you’d like on that line).
You took my attention away from my daughter, the person who needed it the most.
You distracted me from my work.
You ripped my heart out of my chest.
You stabbed me in the back.
I know there is someone out there who can love me.
No, not just love me. Treasure me.
Treat me life the queen that I am.
Value my assets and strengths.
Be okay with my faults and weaknesses.
Love me, respect me, and be honest and open with me.
I do not know if I can forgive you for what you did to me.
But that is a personal problem.
My life will be worse for me if I cannot.
So my job is to work to forgive you.
Again, not for you, for me.
Erase those horrible visions from my mind.
Forget that I hate Ecuador because it reminds me of what you did.
Forget that I hate Colombia (mostly Cartagena, one of the most romantic cities in the world), because it reminds me of what you did.
And that I hate you for what you’ve done to me.
I need to change that hate and hurt, to acceptance and friendship so I can move on with my life and live it in peace and happiness.
Our relationship will never be the same again.
You wanted something different.
You missed your life as it was in your “good times”.
You wanted to be young and free again, doing whatever the fuck you wanted.
You got what you wanted.
Sometimes we have to be careful of what we wish for.
This is real life.
This is not a game.
This is MY life.
Not something to play with.
I will no longer let you play with my life the way you have done in the past.
I am in charge now.
ME.
Not my family.
Not my daughter.
And certainly not you.
I AM IN CHARGE.
And as the person in charge, I decide what comes next.
I determine my own future.
I determine my fate.
A letter to the perpetrator
I can’t get the images out of my head. You. Her. Cartagena. The jungle.What you have done to me, how you’ve hurt me, is beyond your comprehension. You will never understand how I feel. You will never be able to empathize with me or feel compassion for me.
The lies. The deceit. The disrespect.
You made me feel like it was all in my head. Like I was a depressed and crazy person.
I felt as if something was wrong with me and that I really had drug our marriage down because of my problems.
You made me feel like it was all my fault.
You made me feel unworthy. You made me feel old. You made me feel ugly.
You made me hate myself. Hate my life.
You picked at my worst characteristics and threw them in my face to make me feel like this whole situation was because I wasn’t ______ enough (insert whatever word you’d like on that line).
You took my attention away from my daughter, the person who needed it the most.
You distracted me from my work.
You ripped my heart out of my chest.
You stabbed me in the back.
I know there is someone out there who can love me.
No, not just love me. Treasure me.
Treat me life the queen that I am.
Value my assets and strengths.
Be okay with my faults and weaknesses.
Love me, respect me, and be honest and open with me.
I do not know if I can forgive you for what you did to me.
But that is a personal problem.
My life will be worse for me if I cannot.
So my job is to work to forgive you.
Again, not for you, for me.
Erase those horrible visions from my mind.
Forget that I hate Ecuador because it reminds me of what you did.
Forget that I hate Colombia (mostly Cartagena, one of the most romantic cities in the world), because it reminds me of what you did.
And that I hate you for what you’ve done to me.
I need to change that hate and hurt, to acceptance and friendship so I can move on with my life and live it in peace and happiness.
Our relationship will never be the same again.
You wanted something different.
You missed your life as it was in your “good times”.
You wanted to be young and free again, doing whatever the fuck you wanted.
You got what you wanted.
Sometimes we have to be careful of what we wish for.
This is real life.
This is not a game.
This is MY life.
Not something to play with.
I will no longer let you play with my life the way you have done in the past.
I am in charge now.
ME.
Not my family.
Not my daughter.
And certainly not you.
I AM IN CHARGE.
And as the person in charge, I decide what comes next.
I determine my own future.
I determine my fate.
Taking advice from spring
From a piece I wrote on Mar. 8, 2011
The sun is out.
It is (somewhat) warm.
Trees are budding, some even flowering. Plants are starting to peek through the mud. Birds are chirping. Turtles are sunning.
In spring everything gets a fresh new beginning.
A new life.
A new hope.
My mind should be like spring.
A new life.
A new hope.
A fresh start.
Taking advice from spring
Today is a beautiful spring day.The sun is out.
It is (somewhat) warm.
Trees are budding, some even flowering. Plants are starting to peek through the mud. Birds are chirping. Turtles are sunning.
In spring everything gets a fresh new beginning.
A new life.
A new hope.
My mind should be like spring.
A new life.
A new hope.
A fresh start.
Meditation is a process
Taken from a piece I wrote on Mar. 3, 2011
I am in one of those situations now where I feel like a total American. I am working with a psychologist who does a healing process called Ho’oponopono. I think so far I have called it “this meditation shit” and said something along the lines of “I don’t see how this will actually help”. Yes, very Western of me, right?
Impatience. I would say this is one of the words that could be easily used to describe me.
All meditation is a process. I do recognize that. However, when you’re in the mental state I’ve been in for the last couple of months, spending time focusing on a candle flame or imaging cleansing your ancestors to find forgiveness for yourself all seems a bit far fetched. I want to feel better, I want this horrible feeling to go away, I want my problems to disappear, and I want it all to happen NOW!!!
But, I’ve been sucking it up. I realize that I do have an issue (as much as the cheating bastard does), in that I can’t let things go, I beat problems to death, I tend to focus on the problem rather than the solution, and I like to know everything about everyone. So, I am working on myself. Fuck my relationship with my husband, fuck my relationship with my in-laws, fuck my responsibility to my businesses. The only people I need to worry about right now are myself and my daughter (in that order). Healing, resolving my own personal issues, then making future decisions. All without the help of chemical substances (minus a half glass of wine several nights per week).
I do think Ho’oponopono is a bit of a hype if you ask me. The mantra is “Father I love you I am sorry please forgive me thank you”. Supposedly we are taking responsibility for our actions which caused the negative actions of others toward us. Okay, yes, I can agree to that to some extent. I do something that you don’t like, it upsets you, then you do something stupid… They say it is used a lot for addicts, where the parents recreate the addiction cycle by not believing that their children will ever stop using drugs. I suppose that my husband could be looked at as an addict and that me continuously thinking and treating him as though he is not trustworthy and a cheater would drive him further in to that cycle. But my though here is, “but he IS a cheater and a liar! This has been proven!” Again, very Western of me, right?
Rather than forgiveness and apologies for believing that my husband is a cheater, I would like to see him suffer the consequences for his actions and feel as horrible as I do. How’s that for a nice person? *sigh*
I found an Australian website that offers free recordings of guide meditations, so I have been using that instead. I think it will be a better choice for me than Ho’oponopono because I don’t have to apologize to my husband in my meditations. Now, don’t get me wrong. I know I’m not 100% guilt free in all of this, but at this point in time I just can’t bring myself to picture him mentally and tell him I”m sorry. That just seems a bit far fetched right now. I suppose, as time goes on, and my process of meditation progresses, I might be able to look at him and apologize for my role in all of this. For now, I will picture a candle flame in my heart, pushing out all of the dark, negative emotions I have, and try to heal myself a bit.
Meditation is a process
I am from the United States. We are are country with a culture of NOW NOW NOW! I want that car now, so there is financing with almost no money down. I want that house that I can’t afford, so there are horrible home loans that crash the economy. I am sick and want to be well now, so there are drugs which “help” you without you ever having to take the time to help yourself.I am in one of those situations now where I feel like a total American. I am working with a psychologist who does a healing process called Ho’oponopono. I think so far I have called it “this meditation shit” and said something along the lines of “I don’t see how this will actually help”. Yes, very Western of me, right?
Impatience. I would say this is one of the words that could be easily used to describe me.
All meditation is a process. I do recognize that. However, when you’re in the mental state I’ve been in for the last couple of months, spending time focusing on a candle flame or imaging cleansing your ancestors to find forgiveness for yourself all seems a bit far fetched. I want to feel better, I want this horrible feeling to go away, I want my problems to disappear, and I want it all to happen NOW!!!
But, I’ve been sucking it up. I realize that I do have an issue (as much as the cheating bastard does), in that I can’t let things go, I beat problems to death, I tend to focus on the problem rather than the solution, and I like to know everything about everyone. So, I am working on myself. Fuck my relationship with my husband, fuck my relationship with my in-laws, fuck my responsibility to my businesses. The only people I need to worry about right now are myself and my daughter (in that order). Healing, resolving my own personal issues, then making future decisions. All without the help of chemical substances (minus a half glass of wine several nights per week).
I do think Ho’oponopono is a bit of a hype if you ask me. The mantra is “Father I love you I am sorry please forgive me thank you”. Supposedly we are taking responsibility for our actions which caused the negative actions of others toward us. Okay, yes, I can agree to that to some extent. I do something that you don’t like, it upsets you, then you do something stupid… They say it is used a lot for addicts, where the parents recreate the addiction cycle by not believing that their children will ever stop using drugs. I suppose that my husband could be looked at as an addict and that me continuously thinking and treating him as though he is not trustworthy and a cheater would drive him further in to that cycle. But my though here is, “but he IS a cheater and a liar! This has been proven!” Again, very Western of me, right?
Rather than forgiveness and apologies for believing that my husband is a cheater, I would like to see him suffer the consequences for his actions and feel as horrible as I do. How’s that for a nice person? *sigh*
I found an Australian website that offers free recordings of guide meditations, so I have been using that instead. I think it will be a better choice for me than Ho’oponopono because I don’t have to apologize to my husband in my meditations. Now, don’t get me wrong. I know I’m not 100% guilt free in all of this, but at this point in time I just can’t bring myself to picture him mentally and tell him I”m sorry. That just seems a bit far fetched right now. I suppose, as time goes on, and my process of meditation progresses, I might be able to look at him and apologize for my role in all of this. For now, I will picture a candle flame in my heart, pushing out all of the dark, negative emotions I have, and try to heal myself a bit.
How does one heal and let go?
Taken from a piece I wrote on Feb. 5, 2011
Okay, enough sarcasm. My point is, I have been revisiting Buddhist concepts in order to help me “cope” with my husband’s decision to be a total dick, and it seems to be helping.
I have come to the conclusion that I have a loveless relationship (whatever the status may be) with the person who holds the label of “my husband”. I look back on things that have happened since we arrived, and in the more recent past, and I realize that something wasn’t right and I was just overlooking it.
Sometimes, I think, we become so accustomed to what our life has “become” and don’t analyze what it actually consists of. We cling to what we know, rather than realizing that we are living in misery because of what we are clinging to, and it is not how life should be. Because of attachment we do not move on from a a negative situation.
I have started meditating on impermanence and the idea that attachment to things (or people) lead to pain and suffering. This has helped me a lot with coming to the conclusion that it would be okay if my husband and I no longer continue our marriage. Our lives will forever be connected through our daughter, but that doesn’t mean our relationship has to remain the same. As life evolves, so do people and relationships. Not everything is meant to last. I think my relationship is one of those things.
It is okay to let go. It is okay for life to change. It is okay to move on.
I will be wonderful. No, I AM wonderful.
I will be okay. No, I will be GREAT.
I AM GREAT.
How does one heal and let go?
During my path to self-discovery I have been revisiting my days of Buddhist study and meditation. Unfortunately, the country I currently live in has zero options for Buddhist centers or guided meditation options (wait, sorry, I take that back. There is one guided meditation option, but it is a 10 day retreat, which is impossible for anyone with any type of life to attend. Having a 5 month old who is EBF completely rules me out of that one). What? Did someone say 99.99% Catholic society? No space for chanting or self-discovery and enlightenment through meditation here. Well there is, but only because it’s in style, not because of religious purposes, lifestyle, or beliefs.Okay, enough sarcasm. My point is, I have been revisiting Buddhist concepts in order to help me “cope” with my husband’s decision to be a total dick, and it seems to be helping.
I have come to the conclusion that I have a loveless relationship (whatever the status may be) with the person who holds the label of “my husband”. I look back on things that have happened since we arrived, and in the more recent past, and I realize that something wasn’t right and I was just overlooking it.
Sometimes, I think, we become so accustomed to what our life has “become” and don’t analyze what it actually consists of. We cling to what we know, rather than realizing that we are living in misery because of what we are clinging to, and it is not how life should be. Because of attachment we do not move on from a a negative situation.
I have started meditating on impermanence and the idea that attachment to things (or people) lead to pain and suffering. This has helped me a lot with coming to the conclusion that it would be okay if my husband and I no longer continue our marriage. Our lives will forever be connected through our daughter, but that doesn’t mean our relationship has to remain the same. As life evolves, so do people and relationships. Not everything is meant to last. I think my relationship is one of those things.
It is okay to let go. It is okay for life to change. It is okay to move on.
I will be wonderful. No, I AM wonderful.
I will be okay. No, I will be GREAT.
I AM GREAT.
I Am
Taken from a piece I wrote on Jan. 25, 2011
I Am
28 years old
a mother
from the United States
a brown-haired girl who has always wanted to be blond
blue eyed
average… of average
height
weight
intelligence
personality
a Sagittarius
bilingual
weak in many aspects
but strong in others
a follower, more than a leader
sad (at the moment)
happy (most of the time)
musical
a world traveler
a lover of cultures and languages
afraid of many things
someone who likes to be in control
obsessed with food, my weight, and dieting
lost… but hoping, not for someone to find me, but for me to find myself
I Am
28 years old
a mother
from the United States
a brown-haired girl who has always wanted to be blond
blue eyed
average… of average
height
weight
intelligence
personality
a Sagittarius
bilingual
weak in many aspects
but strong in others
a follower, more than a leader
sad (at the moment)
happy (most of the time)
musical
a world traveler
a lover of cultures and languages
afraid of many things
someone who likes to be in control
obsessed with food, my weight, and dieting
lost… but hoping, not for someone to find me, but for me to find myself
Tummo
Tummo is a Tibetan word meaning fierce [woman] or inner fire.
I didn't know this word before today. I'm sure not many of you did either.
I was in search of a word that would help me on my current life journey, and this specific word, these five letters, stuck out, called my name (figuratively, of course), and will act as my mantra as I redevelop my life.
Fierce woman.
I am.
Inner fire.
I seek.
Tummo.
I didn't know this word before today. I'm sure not many of you did either.
I was in search of a word that would help me on my current life journey, and this specific word, these five letters, stuck out, called my name (figuratively, of course), and will act as my mantra as I redevelop my life.
Fierce woman.
I am.
Inner fire.
I seek.
Tummo.
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